Article #700

Author: Trevor Johnson

Learning how to deal with confrontation is really fairly easy. But like so many things in life learning how to is the easy part, the difficult part is in the doing. Still, learning how to do anything is the first step. Otherwise, one would just continue to do as they always have and never accomplish any change in their life.

Turn Down The Heat

Normally, any time there is a confrontation with two sides things are heated. Emotions are up and reasoning is down. Sadly, if proper steps are not taken confrontations have nowhere to go except up. After all, if everyone in a confrontation was being reasonable and respectful with each other it really wouldn’t be a confrontation, it would be a discussion.

The first step to lowering the heat in a confrontation is to actually lower as many physical elements as you can. Lower your voice but not in a low threatening way but in a kind and understanding manner. If possible, try to get everyone to be seated if they are not already. Relax your physical body, lower shoulders and head, keep hands low, all to show no threatening non-verbal clues. As you can see lowering a confrontation is not just a figure of speech but has practical applications.

Listen

The next and most important step is to listen to what the other party is saying. Confrontations and arguments generally get out of hand because the other party believes they are not being heard. This is why voices rise; the logical response is if a person is not being heard they should raise their voice. So, be quiet and let them vent, let them wear themselves out. At the same time honestly listen and take mental notes because you are going to need that for the next step.

After being quiet and listening, calmly and respectfully ask if there’s anything else? Once the other person is done speaking, do not immediately go into defensive mode or even say anything about your perspective. What you do now is repeat back to the person what you heard and the way you understand it. After each point be sure and ask “Is this correct?”

What you are doing is an old technique that is used in a lot of different fields. In psychology it is called Reality Therapy and was developed by famed psychologist William Glasser (you hear his named mentioned ever so often). In sales it is called the Abraham Lincoln approach, where it is said when Lincoln was a lawyer he would state the other side’s case the best that he could. Then, Lincoln would state his own case a little bit better. Whatever one may call it, it lets the other party know that you are listening and that they are being heard.

Skip Defending Yourself

Notice up to this point you have not even stated your point of view (your side of the story). And honestly in a confrontation it is not necessary, because what you really want is resolution. What the other person wants, presuming they are the confronter is to be heard and understood.

The next step that turns the conflict is an apology, if applicable. Once you laid out what the other person is saying and they have agreed to and have amplified any points, apologize for anything you feel you have done wrong, inadvertently or not. Of course, do not apologize if you do not mean it or did not do anything wrong. Maturity will state that you should take personal responsibility for any wrong that you have done. However, never equivocate and say the word, ‘If’. Never apologize saying “If I have done you wrong” or “If I have done anything to make you upset.” The truth is either you did or did not do something wrong worthy of an apology, and either you mean your apology or you do not.

Also, do not add a “but” or try to slip in your side, apologize and stop. Qualifying your apology just diminishes it. Do not say “I apologize for stepping on your dog’s foot but I was in a hurry,” just say “I apologize for stepping on your dog’s foot.”

Resolve The Conflict As An Implied Partnership

The final step following any apology is offering suggestions for resolutions. But always offer a resolution as a question, questions presumes choice and offers involvement. Like the apology, only offer suggestions for resolution to the conflict that you believe it and are willing to act upon. Do not try to guilt or manipulate the other person, do not play the martyr, do not insinuate, simply try to be as reasonable and disimpassioned as possible. Also, only offer one suggestion at a time. Preferably, offer the least objectionable (to you) yet reasonable first.

Once the two of you have agreed upon a course of action, restate it and shake hands. This should end the confrontation, and it would be best if the two of you took some time apart physically if possible.

Well, the steps are easy because all it is making sure that the person who is confronting you is being heard, they know they are being heard, and you are deciding to be the mature individual. In a heated moment these steps may be difficult to put in action, but at least you’ll not know how to deal with confrontation.

Article Source: http://www.articlesbase.com/relationships-articles/4-tips-on-how-to-deal-with-confrontation-5906195.html

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