Author: Michelle Chasen

You bet it does!

Having just completed another grueling semester in my clinical psychology program I wanted to share some very valuable insights I discovered about anger. I understand this is not something we like to focus on. In fact, there were times during this semester in which the intense content was bringing up extremely uncomfortable feelings deep within myself. Our professor had even pre-warned us the first day of class, that the experimental cases & exercises were going to be vastly challenging.

As we went forward, whether I liked it or not, I was forced to face deep ancient emotions from long ago, which I thought had been long gone. I mean at this point I am happier than I have ever been in my life. I have a beautiful home with my loving husband and a precious child. Our MLM businesses are doing great. I am in the process of obtaining a Psy.D in clinical psychology with a minor in industrial/organizational psychology.

Over the last five years, (not including the first 2-years of college), I have been studying human psychology. I have been trained extensively with the knowledge and skills to understand the process quite well. I am not used to being in many situations, where I am caught off guard, which is right where my professor had me.

But, it’s those darn “old files” those archives are still alive. They are dormant, but still alive. These old tapes live in our subconscious mind and my professor proved beyond a shadow of a doubt, that they are there alive & well. But, don’t worry; I’m not going to put you through all that distress. However, I would like to share some thoughts on anger with you.

First & foremost I am talking about the kind of chronic anger that creeps up on you and gets in the way of your productivity and interrupts your weekly or daily life. I am not talking about the levels of anger that produce rage or violence. Rage and violence are extremely intense high degrees of anger which are very dangerous and which require immediate & extensive professional help.

I’m talking about residual or chronic anger which has enormous costs as well. Obviously, it affects your health in ways that are irreversible. It is damaging to your body & organs and increases the death rate from nearly every cause. But this is not what I want to talk about here either. There are plenty of books on how stress affects your health and when stress is high, anger is just around the corner.

Now lets talk about those “old files.” When you are confronted with ambiguous or incongruent messages, the uncertainly creates anxiety. In an attempt to handle the situation, your mind is going through your old memory files to see if you have experienced anything remotely similar before. Is the tone of voice familiar? Maybe it’s their gesture? Perhaps it’s their facial expression? How the about their body posture? Who in your past has sounded or acted this way? Comparing your current situation to the past is an unconsciousness process. Most of the time you will have no idea you’re doing it, or what it reminds you of. But rest assured, you will most likely always unconsciously react to it.

THE WALLS ARE SO HIGH- DEFENSIVENESS

As entrepreneurs and network marketers, we know with 100% certainty that our business is all about relationships. This is a business where relationships are the lifeline of your livelihood.
Working with people all the time, it’s important to recognize how you react in social situations. Most defensive people don’t see their own defensiveness, but as you well know, it quickly shows itself in others when you recognize it. During the course of your lifetime, chances are you may have either expressed your anger outwardly as in aggression, (or) in a passive-aggressive manner (or) as you may already know anger turned inward is depression. Either way, the price you pay for this unresolved anger is huge. How do I know it’s unresolved? I know because none of these methods are emotionally healthy ways of expressing anger. When you have resolved these deep issues within, these methods of coping will no longer seem desirable to you.

The results of unresolved anger expressed are defensiveness, counter attack and withdrawal. And guess what? Those results will cross over into every aspect of your life. They will affect your family, your profession, including your network marketing MLM business, your close friendships and relationships in general. Most importantly, they will affect your children. The children are the most innocent victims of all, because their brain is not cognitively developed enough to understand what is happening. They will internalize these angry expressions as feeling unloved. (When it comes to children this is another article entirely). Lastly of course, it creates self-defeating & self-sabotaging behavior which is not so easily repaired. Your impulses, and reaction-time goes up and your decision making and sound judgment goes down. Anger and aggression cuts and scars the tissue of all relationships. Scar tissue isn’t healthy tissue. It’s thick and hard and inelastic. It serves to cover & protect, but it blocks out feeling.

You don’t have to feel angry in a particular moment for the psychological defenses to take over. This is all an unconscious process which you are not even aware is taking place, and by the time you do realize it, the damage is usually already done.

As the frequency of anger increases, there is a corresponding decrease in tolerance and flexibility. The angry person is rigid. That’s because angry relationships spawn an atmosphere of vigilance and fear. Your energy gets channeled into ejecting barriers, rather than into communication and problem solving. You cannot communicate effectively when anger is lurking beneath the surface. The barriers defend you against hurt, but they also create a maze of psychological mines & trenches that make it impossible for angry people to reach each other, even with genuine feelings of love and support present.

Some of the typical defenses used in anger include numbness, judging, irritability, attack, withdrawal, revenge, and extreme restriction of response. Think about these carefully one by one and I can assure you will recognize which one you are more prone to use and others you have seen in people close to you. Once set in place, these barriers cause you to become rigid and trigger-happy. It’s an automatic pilot reaction. It’s very difficult to switch from defense to appreciation, from vigilance to any kind of trust.

It’s extremely hard to let go of anger after you have learned to employ it as a defense. This is where it really starts to affect your life in negative ways you don’t understand. It truly becomes a sort of addiction and vicious cycle stopping you from experiencing the emotional growth you need to be successful in all aspects of your life, including your MLM business or any professional career for that matter. Like any other addiction, in the moment it feels good and serves to block any source of pain. Furthermore, like all addictions, it offers only a short term feeling of control and a false sense of well-being. With the exclusion of a direct physical threat, residual anger leads you away from taking any appropriate action and addressing the problem. Residual anger keeps you from dealing with the source of fear. It keeps you away from dealing with your pathological critic. Anger keeps you helpless by stopping problem-solving. Ultimately residual anger will leave you alone and empty.

Although hard to face, your anger defense is more harmful than the pain that it’s designed to obscure. Being aggressive when angry (or) passive-aggressive (or) turning anger inwards such as depression, are all ill-effective ways of coping. People who are not able to communicate “assertively” are usually angry people. They’re angry because they are not able to ask for what they need. They are angry because others intrude upon their boundaries, because they don’t know how to set boundaries. They are angry because they don’t know how to motivate others to cooperate or negotiate successfully. They blame instead of listen, they defend instead of problem solve.

If you suffer from chronic anger, there are ways you can start to heal. The first step is to acknowledge there is a problem. After all, you can’t heal, what you don’t acknowledge.
Then ask yourself, how does your anger interfere with your professional & personal life?

Developing assertive communication allows you to express feelings, thoughts, set boundaries and limits without violating the rights of others. This is effective communication making from room for negotiation. The key is to be direct, clear and non-attacking.

Remember chronic anger serves you well when used as a psychological defense. A psychological defense is something you do that obscures or covers up a deep inner experience. It’s often used as a defense because it can block painful feelings such as anxiety or fear, hurt, guilt, shame, embarrassment, a sense of being unworthy, loss, emptiness, helplessness or frustrated desires.

So you must condition yourself to become consciously aware of when this happens in your life in all situations. Become more present with people and less on running on automatic pilot.

Think of a situation in your life that angers you. Next time the moment comes, become aware and catch yourself. Now you are prepared and consciously aware that it is here. It’s a very uncomfortable moment. In your mind, describe the scene in detail. Check your emotional & physiological reactions (in your mind). Carefully observe your emotional feelings and bodily sensations, because the stronger degree of your physiological reactions and bodily sensations, the stronger intensity of emotion you are feeling.

Walk away for just a moment, take a few deep, deep, deep breaths and as you exhale mentally visualize this intrusive scene of anger fade-out like in the movies. Now try to identify the “triggering thoughts.” Ask yourself what needs, beliefs or values influences (the other person) to act this way. Next identify your own needs, beliefs and values that are causing you to react so strongly. (Obviously, you can’t change the other person, but you can change “you” and your own state of mind) Continue your deep breathing until the scene is erased and your physiology comes down. I know it sounds cliché, but you must understand that taking deep breaths changes your physiology. Once your physiology changes, you will be able to change your mood and state of mind. Once you can change your state of mind, you will be more equipped to communicate (or) negotiate effectively. It takes a few times & practice, but it can definitely be mastered.

Make this a habit and practice routinely. If you pay close attention during this process, great insights about yourself & others will reveal themselves.

Words to live by…

The Key to Effective Communication is, Speaking without Offending & Listening without Defending

To Your Life of Serenity,

Michelle Chasen-Hooks

Article Source: http://www.articlesbase.com/self-improvement-articles/does-residual-anger-affect-your-residual-income-3064931.html

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