Article #829

There is a big voice inside you that keeps telling you to be righteous, good and unselfish, because that is what makes you attractive. The voice sells  you a line that your sacrifices will be acknowledged and that you will be justly rewarded. Unfortunately this is a myth you are seduced into buying, until you find yourself heartbroken, bitterly disappointed and at a loss as to how to be in the world. Taking charge of your own life and not waiting for your good behavior to be compensated is the first step in coming out of the fairy tale world and living in the real one, where you can be responsible for your own happiness.

was a good, obedient and unselfish girl. She suffered silently, never complained, got angry or asked for anything. She bore the loss of her own parents without trauma, and was not jealous of her stepsisters. Her goodness was so instinctual and pure that it was recognized and rewarded by her fairy godmother. She was able to capture the heart of the handsome prince and without having to work at the relationship, was magically found and brought to a life of utter bliss. Her inherent goodness triumphed over all the odds, and she was amply compensated for the rest of her life.

This fairy tale is an extremely pervasive and powerful web that ensnares many of us who believe that goodness, sacrifice and suffering will result in untold comfort, everlasting love and a permanent care taker. Unfortunately those who hope for such benefits endure the suffering, but end up feeling betrayed, bitterly disappointed and very angry. They feel that their sacrifices have been in vain. Their hope that some ‘prince’ will come and recognize their goodness is dashed, and they kick, fight and scream against the realization that their expectations were grounded in myth. The experience is shattering, as it must be in order that a new more realistic belief can be created.

Ingrid was brought up in a family where doing the right thing, and taking care of others was idealized. She grew up thinking that if she was a ‘good girl’ and did what was expected of her, she would find someone who would then honor her sacrifices by taking care of her. But her relationships ended in great distress and feelings of betrayal. She had presented herself as strong, capable and unselfish, attracting those who lacked these qualities. So instead of having someone to lean on and support her, she found that the her vulnerable side was invisible to others. By never allowing herself to be ‘selfish’ and ask for something, she had made that part of herself invisible to herself too.  She was left without the tools to take care of and support herself.

Karl hoped that his adult guilt over selfish acts committed as a child and adolescent would expiate his misdeeds. He wanted to believe that his guilt and self-torture would be repentance enough and that he would be eligible for forgiveness and relief from anxiety. He became immensely frustrated when he began to realize that other people’s softness and warmth did nothing to ease his own judgmental voice. He was broken hearted that in the end, he was the only one who could forgive himself and give himself permission to enjoy himself.

Mia clung to the belief that if she was good and never asked for anything, then those around her would then sense her needs and wants and deliver them ipso facto. She kept killing off any desires she had for things she wanted, or enjoyed. The only way she could feel worthy of them was if someone else gave them to her. She found herself envious of others who asked and got, thinking they were just born lucky. She was so furious that her fairy tale belief was coming unstuck that she would get into deep depressions to remove the onus on herself for knowing and acting on her desires.

Perhaps the most painful lesson we begin to learn as we grow through life is that we are responsible for ourselves. If we don’t tell ourselves that it is fine to want things, and go get them, who else will? If we hang onto the magical wish that by being good, our elders will provide for us and make us happy, we may wait for an eternity. So you may ask, how is it that others are given to and taken care of? The answer is very simple. They were not afraid to ask, and they were not afraid to go after what they wanted themselves. They did not demand that the world owes them for being good. Empower yourself by taking responsibility for your needs but get help doing it, rather than expecting it from others in return for the futile sacrifice of being ‘good.’ Being good is actually being bad to yourself and not in your best interests.

Copyright Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

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